The night is hot. And my room, dark. I’m drinking yet another can of beer. I’m starting to get used to its taste and enjoy the temporary relief it gives.

Contemplative might be a good way to describe the state of my mind for the past week. But perplexed is probably the more accurate description.

I’m thinking of the very reason why I went back home. Whether or not I’m fulfilling that reason, I’m not so sure.

Maybe it’s just wishful thinking.

I don’t know.

Haha. Two days after the deadline of assignment no. 1, tsaka ko lang sya nai-submit. Ayus di ba? Dahil delayed ang submission ko, may 10% deduction ako. Sa graduate school kasi ang passing grade is 80%. So dahil may deduction nga ako, ang highest score ko na lang e 90%. Pero asa pa di ba? Ibig sabihin kasi nun e perfect ako sa paper na yun. E sa dating pa lang ng sinulat ko, baka mga 30% lang ang grade ko. Lolz. So, 20% lang ang final grade ko. Wahahaha.

Anyways, ok na yan. At least makakabalik na ako sa dati kong sarili. Na-miss ko kaya ang badminton kahapon dahil sa demit na assignment na to. Hay. Pero kagabi, naglaba pa ako ng sangkatutak na damit. Mas ok kasing gawin yon kesa gumawa ng paper. Haha.

Ok, uwi na ako. Pero kain muna ng masarap na dinner. Hehehe.

Kasama ko nga pala si Jason Mraz habang ginagawa ko ang assignment na to. Sarap pakinggan ng A Beautiful Mess.

And no one can take that happiness away from me.

Every day lend me your own special way
Melt all my heart away with a smile
Take time to tell me, You really care
And we’ll share tomorrow together

Always and Forever
~ Kenny Rogers, Luther Vandross

Now shall I walk
or shall I ride?
“Ride,” Pleasure said:
“Walk,” Joy replied.
~W.H. Davies

Of traveling the world with you.

Of seeing, experiencing and exploring new things with you.

Of having long trips and long nights with you.

Of building sand castles, watching waves and sunsets with you.

Of enjoying cups and cups of coffee with you.

Of reading a book with you.

Of climbing a mountain with you.

Of swimming in the sea with you.

Of achieving my goals in life with you.

Of living the rest of my life with you.

And I know I’ll wake up one day realizing those dreams.

Buhay man ay komplikado, maaari mo pa ring ibuhos ang iyong pansin sa magagandang bagay na nangyari, nangyayari at ninanais mong mangyari sa hinaharap. Sadyang mas magiging mahirap lamang ang mga bagay-bagay kung ipagpipilitan mong solusyunan ang mga problemang tanging panahon lang ang makakapagbigay ng karampatang lunas.

Ngunit hindi ibig sabihin nito ay wala ka nang gagawin upang ayusin ang buhay mo. May parte kang kailangang gampanan at may buhay kang kailangang ipagpatuloy. Sabi nga ng iba, hindi titigil ang mundo para lang sa ‘yo.

Hindi naman ako mahilig magmura. Lalo na ang pagmumura nang malakas. Madalas ang nasasabi ko lang ay mahinang “Stupid!” o kaya “Stupid f*cker!” pag sobrang nakakabdtrip. Pero minsan masarap ang pakiramdam pag nailalabas mo ang sama ng loob sa pamamagitan ng pagsambit ng “Syet” na malagkit.

Marami akong gustong murahin ngayon. Pero wag na lang. Sayang lang sa oras. Irereserba ko na lang energy ko sa pagsigaw mamaya habang nanonood ng Australian Open. Puyatan na naman ‘to.

At hindi din ako pupunta sa gym. Tsaka na lang ako pupunta kapag wala na akong trabaho. At by that time, tapos na din ang aussie open.

Some random things that occupy my almost idle mind now.

1. Getting a new job.
2. Missing my family back home especially my cute nephews.
3. Craving for another serving of the toasted peanut butter sandwich I had just this morning.
4. Thinking of buying a new camera. DSLR or just a nice point-and-shoot? Or none? Need to save. Need to save.
5. Planning for the singapore trip this coming Chinese New year. A shitty thing happened yesterday. I bought 3 wrong tickets. Stupid me.
6. Listening to some old love songs. How chessy it can get? We’ll see.
7. Waiting for the lunch break. I cooked deep fried calamares. But I did not bring vinegar. And I forgot to bring aluminum foil that I can use to heat it in the oven toaster. Hay.
8. Realizing I’m one heck of a luck guy. Thankful. Yes, I’m thankful. Don’t really know why I’m feeling so thankful today. There’s always a reason to be thankful, I guess.

Did I say almost idle mind?

This year hasn’t been smooth sailing. There were rough rides at some point but I must say that I had a wonderful year, all things considered. A lot of things have happened which made me a better person. I had my share of stupid decisions but I’m glad I was able to pick up the pieces and move on.

I have learned to be more independent and be more responsible. I had the chance to know myself more, to love myself more, and to spend more time alone. Which I realized is not at all a sad or bad thing.

God has also showered me and my family with so many blessings. The best gift, of course, was the addition of Baby Gian to our growing family.

Career-wise, I must say that 2008 has been an eye-opener for me. This year has helped me know my priorities. It also made me realize that money is not everything.

I have started living healthy this year. I went to the gym regularly. Ate healthy. Tried to sleep early. And thanks to the flu shot, I didn’t get sick that frequent.

As the year comes to an end, I look back with a happy and thankful heart and look forward to another year with a heart filled with hope.

Happy New Year to everyone!

————-
Forgot to say Happy Anniversary to my blog last Christmas. Blue Rendition has been up for a year already.

For the past month I’ve been checking the exam results section of the Philippine Daily Inquirer to see if my sister passed the Licensure Examination for Teachers (LET). She took the exam last September 28. That is more than a moth ago. And yes, I’m starting to get pissed off. Why should it take that long? How come the result of my brother’s ECE Board Exam last October was released way earlier than the LET. Isn’t it illogical? Are they checking it manually? How pathetic!

On a lighter note, I’ve been thinking of ways on how to make profit out of these Board Exam results. This is how:

I will put up a website with a very simple interface. It will have a banner which says

Get the Board Exam Results by Text Message Alert Sent Directly to Your Cell Phone.

And some details

Why check the newspaper or the internet each day to see if the board exam result is already out? Now you can have it sent directly to your cell phone via text message alerts!

Cell phone service providers include: Smart, Globe, Sun Cellular, TalknText, and Touch Mobile.

Users can enroll their mobile phones together with the board exam code and the name of the examinee they want to check. Once registered, users will receive confirmation. They will need to reply back to validate that they are the same person who transacted online.

Users can also register via cellphone. It would be something like

Type “BRDEXMRSLT Boar Exam Code <space> Examinee”  and send to 666.

I’m just not sure if there’s already a service like this in the Philippines.

When you ask for a favor from someone and get an unfavorable response, would you still say “thank you?”

My answer would definitely be “yes.”

But for some people – the kapalmuks – saying “thank you” is just a waste of time.

I have two separate encounters with two different people just this month. The most recent was just this morning. Kapal ng mukha. Sarap i-umpog sa pader. Badtrip.

If being stubborn translates to being immature, then I would probably die immature.

I’m seeing four seasons in my dreams. But it’s not sheer happiness. When I imagine myself in a magnificent place, I can’t help but be sad. I’d rather be in a random, ordinary place with the people I love than in a wonderful place to be shared with no one.

I don’t know what the future has to offer me. I don’t know what to do when things push through.

Maybe I should not think about it at this early stage. I simply have to let it be.

I’m starting to get bored of my blog theme. I realized that I’m not really a minimalist. Maybe I should get a new one. A lively one…. Bored.

When everything seems so perfect, I have this feeling that sooner or later a terrible event might happen. I don’t know how to explain this but this is how I feel every time things go smoothly. What I realized is that this kind of thinking does nothing but spoil the good times.

So instead of worrying about what might happen, I try to enjoy the happy times to the fullest. I may not be able to do it all the time but at least I’m trying. I’m pretty aware now that this is the right thing to do.

The weather today is very gentle. The sky is not so clear. The sun has not fully risen yet.

I’m here at a waiting shed waiting for the bus.

Blackbirds are everywhere. They roam around in search of food. For leftovers. One bird spots a small plastic container with round colorful sweets. It is hesitant to pick it up because I am just a meter away. I look away, it quickly goes straight to poke on the container and takes a piece. It flies away and enjoys breakfast on top of a street lamp.

The bus arrives.

I get inside the bus and takes my usual seat. The other two passengers who also get in, take their usual seats as well. “This is the simplest way on how to explain comfort zone,” I tell myself.

The aircon is probably set to its lowest temperature. It’s very cold but I’m not complaining. I like it this way.

I suddenly get pissed of the same view I’m seeing going to work each day. Same people. Same bus. Same route. Same time. Same me. Same stupid, crappy me.

I’m tired.

As you grow older (or should I say as you grow up), you will realize that you are not in absolute control of anything in the world – not even your own life. Having said that, it is just logical to not put too much pressure on yourself to make things happen. Or if you can’t help setting the bar too high, you should learn the art of forgiving yourself when things don’t work the way you planned them.

It is also worth noting that it is not right to force other people to do what you want. Getting something done by force will not bear sweet fruits. In the long run, those fruits will be considered more of a failure than accomplishment. And you can be sure as hell that it will bring you misery.

Instead, focus on what you can do and how you can improve it. No worries if you are not able to get what you want for as long as you did everything you could possibly do to accomplish it. Also remember not to deprive yourself of second chances. The reason why there are second chances is for you to take advantage of them. Sooner or later, you will wake up realizing that the positive attitude you demonstrated during the dreary times made you a winner.

Two of my teammates just came back from their 2-month work assignment in Taiwan. Because it was our first time to meet, one of the guys went to my cube and started a conversation. He told me that prior to joining AIG, he worked for a software company which sent him to Manila to support a big client – a major bank in the Philippines. It’s good to know that the place where he and his teammates stayed while in Manila is just near my former office. So, that made the conversation more interesting. He also mentioned some very nice malls in Manila like Glorietta, Greenbelt and Mall of Asia (MOA). He didn’t object when I said MOA is the third largest mall in the whole world. “It is indeed very big,” he said.

I also learned that he went to the client’s two offices. One in Makati and another one in Ortigas. That’s where the MRT entered. He said that it is convenient to take the MRT and that it’s convenient to live Manila. More convenient than living in Kuala Lumpur. But I disagreed. I said that I feel more comfortable living here.

But rethinking yesterday’s conversation, I realized why he considered living in Manila more comfortable than in KL. It is probably because he stayed in a nice hotel near so many good restaurants. And he just needed to take the MRT going to work or perhaps a taxi when he wants to. Unlike in KL, where he always have to drive at least 30minutes going to the office. There are probably other reasons but these are the ones I can think of.

So, why do I think living in KL is more convenient than living in Manila? Well, I can give you thousands of reasons but that would sound so conceited. I just know one thing. Manila is Manila and Kuala Lumpur is Kuala Lumpur. And Manila will always be in my heart. Yeah, I will be back soon. As in very soon. And one day, I will wake up hearing Boom-boom’s voice. Watching him learn how to talk, how to eat solid foods, how to walk, and a lot other how-to’s.

I’m getting excited.

After a year or two, I think I will be relocating to another country again. Before, I feel so uncomfortable simply thinking of going to a foreign place and starting all over again with my life. But now, everything has changed. The idea now excites me. And it is something I’m looking forward to.

Dealing with different people from different places feels so rewarding. It is really a very good experience because I get to learn and appreciate other people’s culture.

Another thing is that living in a foreign place allows me to know myself more. This is because I am spending more time alone. But it is definitely not a sad thing. I am just engaging myself with activities I enjoy and everything seems to go smoothly. In fact, I actually feel like 24 hours is not enough to complete so many things in a day. Soon, I will be getting a gym membership. I don’t know if I can still squeeze it into my daily schedule. But I will give it a try. I am also planning to play badminton regularly. Maybe during Saturdays and Sundays. I started to renew this addiction just last weekend. It gave me body pain because it has been months since I last played badminton. I’m also thinking of regularly taking a dip in our condo’s swimming pool. I still have to plan this one though.

Two months from now, I will be very very busy. I have decided to enroll in my last two graduate courses. I have to finish the e-commerce website I’m developing. And by the way, I have enrolled in an Environmental and Natural Resources course. It is a replacement course for my Statistics subject which is, unfortunately, not offered this coming semester.

This last paragraph is a tribute to my favorite appliance. My dear blender. Haha. I love making fruit shake or just a simple chocolate shake. I made melon fruit shake last night. And I’m planning to make kiwi fruit shake soon. Umm, I must not forget watermelon fruit shake, too.

I’m learning each day. I’m learning to accept the fact that I’m no god who can control things. But I’m still trying to learn how not to feel so bad when I’m not getting what I want.

I’m learning each day. I’m starting to learn how to be positive about the things around me even if they are tough, boring, and unpleasant sometimes. But I have to admit that I’m still having difficulty dealing with it.

I’m learning each day. I have decided to just lay out my real goals in life. The goals that might make me happy. And stay focused with it. But those goals are still unclear. A little patience is probably all I need.

I’m trying to be happy. I’m trying to celebrate life. I’m trying to be thankful. I’m trying to be a better me.

It’s hard but at least I’m trying and I’m happy that I’m learning.

Have you noticed how terrible situations can wear you down? Have you ever asked why? It is probably because it is easier to go with the flow of the negative things than to go against it and stay firm. But if you look at it objectively, it is more consuming to dwell on the minus side than to think of ways on how to better the situation.

Jackie Chan is right when he said, “Do not let circumstances control you. You change your circumstances.”  Yeah, easier said than done. But he sure has a point. You can always do something positive even during the gloomiest days. Why not challenge yourself to focus on the solution to the problem rather than the problem itself? If your problem is too big for you to handle, why not divide it into logical pieces? Solving one piece at a time will sooner or later solve the whole problem.

For some cases, our own efforts are not enough. These are the times when a helping hand is in dire need. Choose from your family or your friends. They are the people you can always run into. Yes, even at 3 o’clock in the morning.

And sometimes you feel like no one can help you. Or maybe you’re forgetting Someone up there. Calling Him won’t hurt. Don’t just give it a try. Make it a habit talking to Him.

Sometimes we tend to complicate things.

Sometimes we set unrealistic goals.

Sometimes we make it hard for ourselves.

Sometimes we forget how to enjoy each simple moment.

Sometimes we focus on the big things.

Sometimes we keep on waiting for something we think will make us happy.

Sometimes we put behind everything for something else.

Sometimes we realize we are not the same person that we were.

Sometimes we decide to stagnate.

Sometimes. Oh, not sometimes. Most of the time.

I have been battling with envy this past few days. I don’t know why I am always caught up in situations where I have no choice but compare myself with others. Sometimes I end up thinking how blessed I am. But most of the time I find myself thinking of ways on how to be better than everyone else. I feel like I can do things better than the people around me. A clear evidence of an envious personality.

I don’t easily give in to this negative trait and I’m trying my best not to be devoured by it. The usual thing I do to counter it is to think of the blessings God has given me. But sometimes this trick doesn’t work. So, I wind up feeling like a loser formulating a game plan to beat other people’s record. How pathetic. But that’s how I feel. Another option is to read motivational and inspirational articles in the Internet. But I can hardly convince myself with the things written in the said articles because I find them very much overwhelming. Maybe they are designed for the righteous ones and not for me.

I’m still thinking of other things I do to avoid such negative thoughts. But I can no longer think of one. Listening to music? Maybe not. Eating? Nah. Blogging? Partially true.

Aha, I remember the time when I was swimming in a nice pool last Sunday. I loved the feeling when I was just floating, facing the cloudy sky. My mind wasn’t occupied by anything negative. It was sheer bliss. Maybe I should be doing it frequently.

Most of the time I think too much. As in too much. Sometimes even when I’m so dead tired and my body wants to rest, my mind won’t simply allow it. 

Last night was no exception. It was past midnight and I wanted to rest. But so many things tried to get my attention. Sadly, they succeeded. Countless thoughts played around in my head like clowns in a circus. Pale earth colors, which spell desolation, dominated the entire scene. And they performed for quite a long time. It seemed that I didn’t have a choice but to wait for the performers to leave at  their own pleasure.

As the lion roars and jumps into the ring of fire, as the jugglers throw balls into the air, as the man eats and breaths fire, as the tightrope walker crosses from end-to-end, there I was busy finding the most comfortable side of the bed for me to fall asleep.

It was far from amusement. It was more of irritation than enjoyment for I was already drained that time. And the whole circus gang left. The reason, I don’t know. Good thing I didn’t insist on finding out their reason because if I had done so, I might not have had a decent sleep.

I woke up after a very short nap. You were the first thing that came to my mind. I don’t know why. Fear. Maybe that explains it all. I’m afraid of losing you. I’m afraid that one day you will be gone. I’m afraid I will no longer be able to kiss you, to hug you, nor to see you. Kind of uneasy feeling.

I just reached for a bottle of cold water from the fridge and put some on a clear glass. I took a few gulps, went to the living area and drooped at the couch.

But the thoughts of you lingered. The clear blue sky outside reminded me of your smile- how it can brighten my day.

The cool, dry wind reminded me of you breath. I miss it so much that I closed my eyes thinking you are just some centimeters away from me. Whispering gently the words “I love you.” And I said back “I love you, too.”

And, surely, it made my day.

My INGENIUM team (Funds Unit) treated me to lunch last Friday at Secret Recipe located in Sri Petaling. This restaurant has local and western dishes and it is famous for its mouth-watering cakes. By just simply looking at the cakes, you will know that they really taste good. And It didn’t fail me. I had a slice of their best-selling cake called Marble Cheese Cake. Believe me, this is the best cheese cake I have ever tasted.

During that time, I learned that two of my teammates are vegetarian. They said it is a personal choice. So, I asked them further to give me specific reasons. My team leader told me that she has so many reasons. One of which is to lessen global warming. It may sound a bit weird but that one is valid. I just thought to myself that is a very noble decision..

Since I am the only Filipino in the group, I’m not expecting to understand everything they are talking about. Too many times they will speak in Mandarin, Cantonese, Bahasa Malaysia, and countless other languages. But I have already accepted that fact. And I don’t look at it negatively. Whenever I’m in that kind of situation, I just think of things that can make my day brighter. Say, for example, my family back in the Philippines. Or my friends. Or my special friend. Or Los Banos. Or my room. Or the South Luzon Expressway. I’m starting to learn that there are so many things that can make me happy. I don’t have to dwell on the negative things a lot of times. I can now think of May or June. The months I’m looking forward for me to go back home. I can think of the characters in the book “Life of Pi” that I’m currently reading. I can think of Mocha Frappuccino and its sweet, bitter taste and its soothing aroma. I can think of the free internet connection I can get at Starbucks. I can think of the grocery store at the ground floor of the Pearl International Hotel along the Old Klang road. I really love the smell of grocery stores.  And I’m starting to miss Landmark Supermarket in Makati. And I miss Parksquare 2 which I guess is now totally collapsed.

And I’m missing so many things now. But these things won’t prevent me from taking steps forward.

I’m glad that I’m now marching in the beat of my dreams and goals in life. I’m already back on track. The right track that is. Right track. Yes. Right track.

Tonight, the sky is pitch black. Stars are out of sight and so is the moon. A heavy rain pours down. Suddenly, a cold wind blows upon my face. It gives me a very strange feeling. Very much unfamiliar sensation. It is as if the wind wants to tell me something. But I am able to comprehend its message. And it blows even stronger. Colder. With some raindrops on it. But still, I don’t get to understand what it is trying to say.

The rain finally stops. A couple of stars start to show up. One by one, they twinkle. They give the sky a blaze that pacifies me for a while. It makes me forget all my worries. I then ask myself, “Are they trying to appease my restless soul? Helping me cope up with the things that bother me?” Still, I can’t find an answer. Maybe one day, I will be able to finally grasp their message. Maybe.

(a recycled post from my old blog)

I’m a keen observer. That’s a fact. I give so much value to details. At least for the things that interest me. Sometimes, to the point that I make predictions on what will happen next based on what has happened and what’s currently happening. For example, when I watch movies I try to guess what the ending would be. Most, if not all, of the time I’m right. This thing actually freaks me out when I start to think about tomorrow. For I have been so cynical about so many things and I refrain from thinking that the negative thoughts I have in mind will come true.

Just this morning, I predicted that I will win in our late Christmas party’s raffle. And to my surprise (or should I say “as expected”), I did win. Scary…

Some months back, I would always go to our building’s rooftop every night and make a wish on every star I could see. I have made a lot of wishing actually. Countless times. I can’t recall all of them but they usually boiled down to one single wish.

I don’t know if some people can relate to it. I would be glad to know that I’m not alone.

Those wishes are probably the reason why I still manage to get by each day. Maybe they bring a spirit of hope. I don’t know.

What if I wish that one day my wishing stops? Perhaps it’s not a good idea. I’m just adding a new item to my already long list.